The Little MerAlchemist
by PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377
Summary: Yes, a parody of The Little Mermaid and Full Metal Alchemist. Ed is a merman pole dancer, and falls in love with Roy Mustang! Al is worried, and Winry is not amused. Will Ed win over Roy's heart? Can their love flourish? Read to find out!
1. The pole dancer beginning

The Little Mer-Alchemist

(AKA Ed, the Merman Pole Dancer)

Rated T for (mild adult topics, mild adult language)

Once upon a time, there was a merman named Edward Elric. He lives with him full auto-mail merman brother named Al. One day, Al awoke to the violent sound of very loud dancing music. Al swam out of bed and knocked on his brother's door.

"Brother? What are you doing in there?" Al noticed that the door was unlocked and went inside.

"Oh yeah…how do you like me now!" Ed said. Al stopped dead and his entire face turned red. Ed was in tight black leather and pole dancing. Ed hadn't noticed he had come in, and continued his perverted dance. (Me: --.--;)

"I'm too sexy for my leather, too sexy for my leather, so sexy whenever!" Ed sang, grinding up and down the pole. Al was speechless. He had known for a while that his brother was a pole dancer, but he never saw him dance.

After about five minutes of pole dancing, Ed noticed his brother had come into the room. He stopped dancing and waved at Al.

" Oh hi Al! I didn't hear you come in. Do you like my dance?" On dance he did a body wave on his pole.

Al, now scarlet, finally stammered "Um…h-hi b-brother. **sweat drop** Your d-dance was very…um…n-nice…Anyway, come on, we have to-"

But Al was cut-off by his brother, who sank to the floor and started crying.

"Oh Al! I feel so empty! I need someone to be my lover!"

Suddenly, Winry came into the room and jumped on Ed.

"Oh hi... Winry?" Al said, confused at why Winry had come.

"There you are my sexy pole dancing boy! I've been looking for you! Don't worry, I heard you crying and I know exactly what you want." She said slyly.

"Um…hi Winry." Ed said, backing away from Winry, who was now clinging to Ed's leather. "You know what I want?" he said hopefully.

"Of course! You want…me!" she said, now trying to make-out with Ed.

"Um…do you two want some time alone?" Al said, backing away to the door.

"OH MY GOD! WINRY! WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR SWEATER? IT IS FABULOUS!" **Winry sweat drop.** Ed suddenly screamed in a girly voice and ran out the door.

"Oh no you don't Edward Elric! Get back here and sex me up!" Winry said, pulling out an over-sized wrench.

Al reluctantly followed after.

Later that day Ed went up to the surface. He saw a ship and went to see what was going on. When he got there he saw the most beautiful person he had ever seen, and fell in love…with Roy Mustang! He saw Roy doing paper work, looking quite fearful because Hawkeye had a gun pointed to his head.

"Now I want you to finish all of this paper work!" She said, placing a mountain of paper work on Roy's desk

Roy stress mark. "Please let me go. I can't possibly finish this paper work!"

Hawkeye's finger gripped the trigger. "What did you say?"

Roy sweat drop. "…I'll do the paper work…" he said.

"That's what I thought I heard you say." Said Hawkeye, and watched Roy reluctantly do the paper work.

Ed, love stricken, swam back to find his brother.

"Al! I'm in love with Roy!" he said as he swam into an unsuspecting Al.

Al sweat drop. "Hmm…Roy is a weird name for a girl, isn't it brother?"

"Al, Roy is a guy! And a kawaii (cute) one two!" Ed said, and daydreamed about Roy.

"Um…brother? Are you…uh…gay?" Al said hesitantly.

"Well of course I am Al! What did you expect from me? I'm a guy pole dancer! Besides, not only do I think Roy is cute, but if he saw MY pole dance, he would fall in love with me for sure!" Ed said, and threw on his tight pole dancer leather and stroked his pole with his mer-body.

"Not all pole dancers are gay you know…" Al said quietly. "Well, you can't go up to see him anyway, so just forget it ok, and brother? Could you pole dance AFTER I've left."

Suddenly Ed had an idea. A crazy idea. An idea so crazy, only Edward the gay pole dancer could think of it.

JADE-fullmetal377: Hi passer-bys! This was my first story, and more chapters to come!


	2. A Favor from The Sea Bitch

The Little Mer-Alchemist: Chapter Two:

A Favor from the Sea Bitch

Ed swam up to his stunned brother and shook him violently. He had thought of the perfect plan to see his Royie-poo.

"Al! Can't you see? I might not be able to dance for my future lover as a mer-man, but Envy the Sea Bitch can turn me human! It's perfect!"

Ed started giggling giddily and changed out of his leather into his red cloak. Al was shocked. Why did his brother have to be a pole dancer? WHY?

"Well, I would really like it if you didn't ask Envy for help, but whatever you say…brother…"

Ed jumped on Al and squeezed him, saying

"Zippity Doodles! I get to see my lover! But I need to pack…"

Ed got off of his brother and packed his pole, lights, music, and various outfits of leather…(me: shudder)

"Why are you packing your pole dancer stuff brother?" Al asked, expecting the worst.

"Well how do you think I'll win Roy over? I need to show him what a hot guy I am! If I'm lucky, I'll get even farther that the pole dancing…hehehe…"

**Al twitches** "Just go already." Al said, hoping that he wouldn't have to listen to anymore of his brother's…fantasies.

"Hold on! You're coming with! If Winry ever found out about my gayness…"

**Al and Ed sweat drop**

"I see what you mean brother. Well lets go then…sigh"

And so Ed, with his trusty brother/body guard Al and a suitcase full of pole dancing gear, they traveled to the lair of Envy the Sea Bitch.

"LUST! WHERE'S MY LUST! LUST!" Al and Ed were greeted by a frantic mer-gluttony searching for his beloved Lust.

"So…Edward Elric. Welcome to my lair. Now what the hell do YOU want?"

Ed turned and saw Envy laying sideways on an oyster shell throne. He/She looked very bored, and waited for the pole dancing Elric to answer.

"I'm so hungry…" Gluttony said, and looked at Al with ravenous eyes, licking his lips.

**Al stress mark** "Oh no. Don't even think about it! I wont let you eat-"

But at that second Gluttony's colossal tongue wrapped itself around the unfortunate mer-armor.

"AHHHH! Brother, help!" Al was heading straight for Gluttony's gaping hole of a mouth. He was just about eaten when Lust entered the scene.

"My Lust has returned!" Gluttony said in relief and joy, and released the now petrified mer-armor and draped his bulking mass onto and unsuspecting Lust.

**Lust sigh** "Hello Gluttony. What have I told you about eating Envy's clients? It's not good for business."

"I'm sorry Lust. But I'm still hungry…" Gluttony then let go of Lust and ate Envy's throne from under her/him.

"God Damn it Gluttony!" Envy screamed, angered by the sudden upset of his/her bored time. Ed was getting agitated now. He suddenly screamed and everyone stopped and stared at him, looking fearful.

**Ed popped vein** "Can we please get on with what I came here for! I need to see my precious Roy-kins, and to do that I need legs NOW!"

**Al, Envy, Gluttony and Lust sweat drop**

"Uh…sure. Well, for me to give you legs, you need to give up something of yours in return." Envy said cautiously.

Al, finally recovered from his "Gluttony Episode", went to his brother and put a hand on Ed's shoulder to calm him.

"Don't make any choices that you'll regret brother. TRY to think hard about this.

Ed sat on the floor and rested his head on his hand and thought out loud for a while. "Hmm…I can't give up my voice that's for sure! Roy's a hard nut to crack, and if I can't talk I can't confess my everlasting devotion and obsession for him. Oh I know!"

Ed turned to Envy and pointed a finger at the Sea Bitch.

"I will give up half of my tail and my arm to be replaced with auto-mail if you give me legs. With legs I can stroke my pole with even MORE intensity that ever before…!" And suddenly a stage had appeared with a pole and Ed threw off his clothes to reveal his EXTRA tight leather and began his routine in front of Lust, Gluttony and Envy.

Lust sweat drop "I can't take much more of this. Gluttony come on, you said you would come with me to the plastic surgery again, and I need another breast job."

"LUST! I'M COMING! DON'T LEAVE ME!" and Gluttony jumped on Lust as she painfully dragged him out of Envy's cave, leaving him/her to watch Ed's "special" performance with Al.

Envy stress mark "You can stop now. Seriously."

But Ed continued to dance. Just as he was about to stoke the pole with his tail, Envy had seen enough.

"FOR THE HATE OF THINGS NICE AND FLUFFY! STOP YOUR STUPID POLE DANCE OR I'LL TURN YOU THE SHRIMP THAT YOU REALLY ARE SHORTY!"

Just as fast and Ed had started dancing he had stopped.

Ed was mad now. He change into his alchemy jacket and stood on his tip-toes so he was face-to-face with the sea bitch.

"Who are you calling smaller than the smallest ant? HUH?"

Al, not wanting for an alchemy vs. homunculi battle to break out, said

"Brother? What about Roy?"

Ed, remembering the reason he had even came to see the Sea Bitch, said

"Oh yeah! Right then, so how long do I get to woo my hot bod Roy for?"

"Three days." Envy said casually.

Ed's mouth gaped down to the floor. "ONLY THREE DAYS! I need more time than that! A week!"

"Brother don't push it with the Sea Bitch…"

**Envy sweat drop** "Fine, a we-"

"NO! Two weeks! NO, a month! A YEAR!"

**Al gasp** "Brother! Not and entire year!"

"Ok, a month then."

**Envy popping vein**. "FINE DAMN IT! ONE MONTH! Now get out of here!" and with that Envy flipped her wrist and Ed had legs.

Ed stared at his new legs in amazement. "Wow! These are so sexy! Hey wait…I CAN'T BREATH!"

Ed gasped under the water for air his entire face turning blue.

"BROTHER! Sea Bitch, do something! Don't kill my brother!"

"Oh right. I'm NOT trying to kill him today. Bye then bastard!"

And with that Ed was gone.

Al sighed a breath of relief, but was still very worried for his gay pole-dancing brother.

"I hope brother doesn't get into too much trouble up on the surface."

Just then, Winry entered, looking confused and distressed, but still greeted Al happily.

"Hi Al! I need to propose to Ed, my future husband and become queen of the sea. Do you know where he went?"

Will Continue in Chapter Three!

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377: Well, this is the second chapter. How will Winry react when she learns Ed's secret? Will Ed win Roy's heart? Find out in chapter three of:

The Little Mer-Alchemist! BYEZ! -


	3. Ed's Secret, Roy's Shock

The Little Mer-Alchemist: Chapter 3:

Ed's Secret, Roy's "Shock" 

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377: YAY! Chapter 3 finally done! Sorry it took so long…needed my pillz…and NEEDLES IN THE EYES! So here's the run-down, Ed comes to land and meets Roy, and we get to see what happens to Roy and Havoc when Hawkeye gets her hands on them! See yaz! …Needles+…OO'

Ed awoke to the sound of seagulls. He opened his eyes slightly and sat up.

"Whoa. Either Envy the Sea Bitch really killed me or I've been sniffing to much fire coral again."

He rubbed his head and stood up. Then he realized something. He was standing! He didn't die, and he must have…

"LEGS! OH SHIT! I'VE GOT LEGS!" he exclaimed, marveling at his new ligaments.

"But one is auto-mail, and so is my arm. If this really WAS heaven, Roy would be here, and we would be going at-"

But just then a seagull pooped on Ed's head. Warm, white seagull crap slid down his face. Ed's face scarlet with rage, he stared up at the seagull shaking his fist and shouting,

"Damn you seagull! DAMN YOU!"

But Ed was to excited about his new legs to stay mad. He exclaimed,

"HOLY SHIT I HAVE LEGS!"

But then he noticed something else. His face turned red again, but not out of rage, but total embarrassment.

"HOLY SHIT I'M NAKED! WHERE'S MY SUITCASE!"

He searched the beach, carefully concealing his "private man" parts.

Eventually he found the suitcase, but the leather was too wet to wear.

"Where did the leather I was wearing go? Wait…ENVY!"

He shouted, knowing that this was probably the sea bitches doing.

"Hey! Who's screaming over there, interrupting me and my obsessiveness with the picture of my sweet, kind, beloved daughter?"

Someone's voice came from around the corner. It was…you guessed it…Hughes!

"Oh crap. I need cover!"

Ed frantically searched the beach, and finally spotted an oversized rock. He dove behind it and gripped the rock with his entire body.

"Hehehe…I should be safe now!" he whispered to himself. But just then his triumph turned to terror. The rock was covered with big, black sea urchins, all about to stick out their sharp spines, right onto Ed and his "private man" parts.

"No fu-"

But he wasn't able to finish because at the same time the sea urchins stuck out and stabbed Ed with their points sticking all over his body.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH! OW OW OW OW OW! SEA URCHINS ON MY MAIN ATTRACTION! GET EM' OFF!"

Hughes turned around clutching a picture of his daughter and watched in confusion a short guy with no clothes on screaming, clutching a suitcase of wet pole-dancing leather, sea urchins flying off of his body.

Ed hadn't noticed where Hughes was, and ran straight into him and passed out.

"What the hell? A kid bear naked with auto-mail and a suitcase full of pole-dancing gear. I think I should tell Colonel Mustang about this."

And with that Hughes ran off to see Roy Mustang, and tell him about the strange kid.

Hughes had just entered Roy's office when he stopped dead in his tracks. Hawkeye had Roy and Havoc hooked up to a shock generator with probes on their foreheads and cheeks. They were staring at Hawkeye uneasily.

"Did we really have to convert to shock therapy? I can change! If you would just give me a chance…" Havoc said nervously.

Hawkeye eyed him suspiciously. "I'm afraid I can't do that. Now time for your weekly jacket check. Please remove your jacket and hand it to me."

Hesitantly, Havoc gave the jacket to Hawkeye, tiny sweat drops forming on his head.

Hawkeye shook the jacket and out poured ten empty cigarette boxes.

Havoc was sweating intensely now, looking at Hawkeye fearfully as her thumb gripped the on button to his shocker.

"Oh, well, those are, hehe…funny story actu-OW!" but Havoc had no chance to defend himself, because Hawkeye had pressed the shocker button on his side, giving him a high voltage shock. (Which knocked him out, and he fell on the floor, smoke rising from his shocked body.)

Hughes sweat drop "Um…sorry to interrupt captain, but I think the general should check something out on the beach."

Roy sighed with relief. "Yes, I think I should check this out. Now, would you…kindly remove the…probes?"

Hawkeye, rolling her eyes, released Roy, but grabbed his shoulder right as he was going to run for dear life.

"General, just remember if your not back soon to finish your paper work…we might have to go a little LOWER than just your head."

Suddenly she held up to eccentrically large shock probes and held them if from of Roy's face.

"Um…r-right captain." And faster than you could say " Dude, that would be SO painful." Roy was out of the office.

"Now, Hughes, about your obsession with your daughter…"

But getting the hint, Hughes had also left the scene.

Roy walked on the beach searching for what Hughes wanted him to check out. He didn't have to search long, because behind some rocks he saw a blonde hair boy with black pants, a red coat (which Hughes had put on him for OBVIOUS reasons) and an auto-mail arm and leg was sitting on the rocks with a moist suitcase.

"Um…who the hell are you?" Roy asked hesitantly.

Ed's turned his head and his heart leapt with joy. His future lover Roy had come for him!

Ed blushing "Oh! You're Roy Mustang aren't you? Well, I'm Edward Elirc and I'm…"

Suddenly Ed tossed his pole and lights from the suitcase, tore off his clothes to reveal his very short-cut leather, and his dance music, and stroked and danced on the pole for Roy.

"A POLE DANCER!"

Roy sweat drop "…okay then…WAIT! I think I have the perfect job for you. Tell me, do you like pole dancing?"

Ed spun around on his pole grinning. "Almost as much as life itself! And FIRE!"

"Well, would you like to join the Eastern Command local pole-dancing club? It's called The Silver Tiger."

Ed went uncomfortably close to Roy and said "Sure! But only if you come see me dance…Ed giggles."

"Fine. Now come on! I have to go do paper work…"

So with high hopes of making it with Roy, Ed followed him to The Silver Tiger and got his pole-dancer name: Full Metal. But while Ed was starting his pole-dancing gig, he had no idea that an enraged Winry had figure out his terrible secret.

TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 4!


	4. Winry's Plan and Roy's Heart

The Little Mer-Alchemist: Chapter 4:

Winry's Plan and Roy's Heart

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist: IT'S HERE! The fourth chapter of The Little Mer-Alchemist! WARNING! Extreme mushy-ness toward the end. Don't worry though! In chapter 5, things get a little…well…strange. o.o' This might be my favorite chapter, because Roy gets in trouble…oo'…THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT AND REVEIWS! CHAPTER 5 COMING SOON!

Where we left off…While Ed was learning proper pole-dancing procedures, Winry was plotting to get her "sex object" back for herself!

Back in Envy the Sea Bitch's lair; Al and Envy were sprawled on the floor, countless bruises and dents on their heads, in front of a royally pissed-off Winry with an oversized wrench.

"It's…not…our fault…ow…why do I feel this?" Al was able to finally say.

"SHUT UP ALPHONSE! THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT! ED JUST CAN'T BE GAY! If I want to rule as queen of the sea and want AT LEAST twenty mer-children AND want to get some action in, I HAVE TO MARRY HIM!

Envy sat up and rubbed her head. "Ugh! Don't put images in my head mechanic. I was just doing my job."

Winry lifted the wrench over her head like a hammer you see at Whack-a-mole games.

"I'll give you five seconds to tell me where you poofed Ed, or else a concussion isn't to far away!"

Envy vain popping "Don't threaten Envy the Sea Bi-OW!"

With a mighty swing, Winry brought the wrench down onto Envy's head, knocking her out cold.

"Your next if you don't tell me NOW!"

Al stress mark "Ok, OK!" Al said hastily, thinking, _she can get crazy when it comes to Nissan…_

"Envy gave him legs and sent him up to the surface to go after Roy, the human he is in love with."

Winry dropped her wrench and her mouth dropped down to the floor. A small fish swam into her mouth and she didn't notice.

"Are you-ACK!" Winry began, chocking on the fish that had tried to make her mouth it's home.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" she screamed at the fish, and threw it out of the lair.

"I'm sorry Winry! There's nothing you can do…Nissan made his choice…" Al said cautiously, afraid of another episode of "When Wirny attacks".

"Oh, that's what HE thinks! But if I can't make him come back, I'll just FORCE him down here, even if I have to drag him back here myself!"

Winry then began to laugh diabolically.

"Um…he would drown if you didn't change him back…" Al said dumbly.

"Now, I'll need to plan this entire scheme out, and until Envy wakes up, I got nothing."

Al sweat drop "I wonder how Nissan is doing?"

But Ed was doing great! He had learned all the basics and was performing for all of the Eastern Command and The Silver Tiger.

A couple of hours after Roy had explained everything to Ed, he was walking around the command avoiding his paper work.

"If there is one thing EVERYONE hates, it's paper work."

Roy sighed. He was bored, and didn't know what to do with himself.

"Maybe I should go see that Edward kid dance…" Roy thought to himself. He finally decided that anything would be better than paper work.

Roy walked to a building with a flashing transmutation neon circle with neon letters under it that said "THE SILVER TIGER". As he approached the entrance, he saw…Alexander Armstrong and Scar! They were coming out of the club and were talking in surprised tones.

"That new dancer is fantastic! He has such grace, such style…" Armstrong boasted dreamily, pinks sparkles dancing around his head.

"I have to agree." Scar said, taking off his sunglasses. "Full Metal is ama-OW! MY EYE!" Scar was in the middle of talking about Ed, when one of Armstrong's sparkles flew into one of his eyes.

Armstrong sweat drop "OMG! Scar, are you ok?"

Scar was clutching his eye, saying "DAMN YOU SPARKLE! YOU'VE SUBDUDED ME YET AGAIN!"

Roy sweat drop "I don't even want to know." Roy said, and walked inside.

Inside The Silver Tiger, the lights were dark except for multicolored spotlights and one regular spotlight. Roy unpleasantly pushed his way to the front of the stage and saw no one on it dancing.

"I wonder what they're all waiting for…" Roy wondered. But his question was soon answered, because suddenly, a DJ shouted into a loud speaker:

"and now! The one you've all been waiting for! Our newest and probably most talented dancer, Full Metal!"

A cheer rose from the crowd, as Ed's special dancing music blasted and he was on the stage in his sleek, shiny and VERY tight full body leather. With a sly grin, he jumped to his pole and danced incredibly.

"I'm to sexy for my leather, to sexy for my leather so sexy whenever! And I'm a dancer, you know what I mean, and I shake my tight ass for the rest of the scene!" Ed sang, stoking and spinning on his pole. Then the music changed and he started to sing, "Out Tonight" from RENT.

"Meow…HA!" On "HA" he flung out his lower body and another cheer came from the crowd.

Roy was stunned. He had never seen such a great dancer before. He had seen A LOT of pole dancers; he even saw Hughes, Havoc and Armstrong when they had gotten drunk at the Christmas party. But he had never seen such a sight as Edward Elric. Roy started to feel something strange inside of him. It tugged at his heart, but it was a good feeling. He couldn't help but smile.

"Wow…he's so…" Roy started, but then noticed he was blushing! He held his breath. Could it be true? Had Roy Mustang fallen for Edward Elric? You bet!

"I wonder if he likes me…tee hee…" Roy said softly, compacting himself and tapping his index fingers together, still blushing.

"Oh I'm very sure he would fall for you, Colonel."

Roy stiffened and started to sweat. He heard the familiar intimidating voice of Hawkeye right behind him.

"You're late. I told you what would happen…"

Roy glanced to the side and saw two oversized probes next to his ears. He was sweating rapidly now.

He finally found the courage and turned around to find an enraged Hawkeye with two electric probes in her hands.

"Um…I-I can e-explain Captain…I mean…AHHHHHHHH!"

Roy twitched as Hawkeye shocked him right were she had threatened she would. Surprisingly, no on noticed because they were hypnotized by Full Metal's dance.

"I'll let you stay and watch, but you better come back and finish the paperwork!"

Hawkeye then saluted Roy and with a sly smile walked out.

Roy, now on the floor, clutching his "private" part, writhed on the floor, his "private" part smoking. He couldn't speak, but he thought,

"OW! OH DEAR GOD OW! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME I ACCIDENTALLY ATE "PUDDING" WHEN I WAS SITTING BY THE KITCHEN AND THE BATHROOM!" (me:…ew… )

Finally after ten minutes of indescribable pain, Roy was finally able to stand up and watch Ed finish his dance.

"I know. I'll go see him backstage and invite him to dinner! That would be perfect!"

And with high hopes, Roy waited until the end of Ed's dance, and went backstage.

Ed was walking to his dressing room, unnoticing a love-stricken general Roy Mustang following silently close behind.

"Hello Full Metal." Roy finally said as he tapped Ed on the back of his shoulder.

Ed spun around and his heart fluttered with glee because Roy was actually touching him.

"Hi Roy! Did you like me? I saw you in the crowd!"

Roy blushed and said, "Well, actually, yes! I did enjoy your performance. I just wanted to know if you would join me for dinner tonight."

Without hesitation, Ed yelled, "YES! OF COURSE! I WOULD LOVE TO JOIN YOU! I'LL BE IN THE DINNING HALL IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!"

And with anticipation, Ed ran back to his dressing room and began to get ready for his semi-date with his ultimate love. As he was running back, he noticed that Roy had been blushing. Maybe he liked him too! Oh, this was too good!

Roy waited impatiently inside the vast dinning hall, sitting at the head of the table, dinner set out and two very large candlesticks in the middle. Suddenly the door swung open and there was Ed.

"Hiya Roy! Edward Elric has arrived!"

"Oh hi Ed! Glad you could make it. You can sit wherever you want…Ed?"

But Ed was frozen at the other end of the table.

"Ed are you alright?" Roy asked, concerned and confused at the same time.

"Fi-Fi-FIRE!" Ed screamed, and jumped onto the table and slid full speed into Roy, clutching a lit candle.

"Woah!" Roy said, as Ed fell on him and Ed accidentally kissed him on the lips.

Roy and Ed both blushed, silent for a few moments, still in the embrace.

Roy pushed Ed off him and patted the dirt from his pants.

Ed stared at the fire in a total trance, but dropped it and stared at Roy. Still blushing, he smiled.

"Roy, I'm sorry but…there's something I need to tell you."

Roy stared at him surprised. He blushed and stepped toward Ed, now only a couple of inches away from him.

"What is it Full Metal?" Roy asked cautiously, thinking he already knew what Ed was going to say.

"Well, the truth is…I came to the surface because…"

Ed paused and grabbed Roy's hands and brought him very close to him.

"I came because…because…I love you…"

WILL CONTINUE IN CHAPTER 5!

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist: No, this is not the end if you didn't read my note above. Will Winry find Ed? Will Roy and Ed ever find happiness? Will Lust ever get the perfect breast job? All of these questions and more will be answered in Chapter 5 of: The Little Mer-Alchemist! Also, Hohenheim comes into the story. Chapter 5 might be the final chapter, so don't miss it!


	5. The Wedding of WHO?

The Little Mer-Alchemist Chapter 5: FIANLE

The wedding of...WHO!

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377: T-T yes! The romantic ending of Little Mer-Alchemist! So sad…surprise ending! Hehehe….0 Enjoy the final chapter of…THE LITTLE MER-ALCHEMIST! Mushy beginning but gets A LOT funnier later on. (Middle sorta weird, but REALLY funny scene.) ENJOY!

When we left off…

"Because…I love you…" Ed said softly, a pulled Roy into a kiss.

Roy was half stunned, half overjoyed. He loved Edward with all of his heart, and now they could be together since he knew his true feelings.

"Edward…I…love you also…" Roy said when the kiss was over. They stared into each other's eyes blushing.

Finally, Ed grabbed Roy's arm and said, "Come on." Pulling him through the back door unto the beach. The two sat down right on the shoreline, and sat by some rocks that made a sort of wall that over looked the sea.

"Now you can be mine forever." Edward said as they both sat down, staring longingly into each other's eyes.

"Ed…there's something I need to tell you…" Roy said blushing.

He whispered something into Edward's ear.

Ed gave a caring smile.

"Don't worry. I'm one too, and it's my first time, but I want it to be with you."

And with that they both started getting completely undressed and…

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(**DUE TO THE GRAPHIC EXPLANATIONS OF THE NEXT SCENE, WE WILL EXPLAIN WHAT WIRNY WAS DOING WHEN ENVY FINALLY WOKE UP.)**

Meanwhile, Envy had finally regained consciousness, and had an ice pack on her head.

Envy popped vein "Bitch…" she muttered.

Winry shook Envy wildly, screaming, "THERES NO TIME FOR THIS! I have to tell you my plan that you NEED to help me with!"

"I can't believe you're going to kidnap Niisan and Roy…" Al said softly.

"Ok, fine! I'll help you with your stupid plan. What do you need me for?" Envy asked in an annoyed tone.

Winry smiled diabolically. "You need to send me to the surface!"

Envy sweat drop "Idiot…you could've asked that bastard Hohenheim to send you up with a gyser…CURSE YOU HOHENHEIM!"

Envy then shook her fist at the fish that wanted to make it's home in Wirny's gaping mouth. The fish just swam there, but then revealed razor-sharp teeth, and attached itself to Envy's hand.

"HOLY SHIT! OW! OWOWOWOWOW! GET OFF OF ME YOU ASSHOLE!"

Envy screamed in pain and anger and swam around her lair, frantically trying to get the fish off.

Al & Winry sweat drop "Um…I guess will be going now…" Al and Winry said in sync, and fled the Sea Bitch's lair, hearing curses and things breaking on their way out.

Inside the Royal Family Castle, a depressed Hohenheim was sitting on his throne.

"Sigh…where is my son? Then again, do I really care?"

"SIR! I NEED TO KIDNAP ED! HE'S GAY AND WANTS SOME ACTION FROM SOME HUMAN NAMED ROY!"

Winry burst into the castle, scaring the shit out of Hohenheim in the process.

Hohenheim sweat drop "Um…hello Wirny. You say Edward is chasing after some guy? You mean he's gay?"

Winry nodded her head.

"I knew it." Hohenheim said with a smile.

Winry smacked him in the face.

"IDIOT! I NEED to marry him and have children! Do I have to explain this to EVERYONE? Anyway, give me passage to the surface.

Hohenheim, extremely afraid of the deranged fan-girl, gave her permission.

"Just don't kill anyone…" Hohenheim said, softly.

Winry popped vein "What did you say?" Winry screamed, and smashed Hohenheim's head with a wrench.

"…nn…" Hohenheim mumbled, and passed out with a large red bump on his head, as Wirny started her journey to the surface.

**(NOW WE CAN RESUME THE SCENE THAT WAS CUT-OFF DUE TO GRAPHIC NATURE AND VERY NAUGHTY…UM…POSES. THANK YOU.)**

Ed was lying next to Roy, both of them naked. He was breathing heavily, with a grin on his face and blushing.

"That was superb." Roy said dreamily, looking at Edward and smiling.

But just then Edward heard a familiar sound across the ocean. It was the sound of a gyser.

"Oh no. Not her…!" Edward said nervously.

"What's wrong Ed?" Roy asked concered.

Ed frantically turned to Roy and screamed, "Run bastard! Run before it's to-"

"THERE YOU ARE MY SEX TOY!"

Ed and Roy froze as they saw Winry emerge on the sea atop a gyser.

Winry blushing "EDWARD ELRIC! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITHOUT ANY CLOTHES! YOU CAN ONLY STRIP BARE FOR ME! Wait, why is he with you…!"

Suddenly Winry's eyes turned into flames, and she was steaming.

"Oh! U-um h-hi W-winry…t-this I-is Roy M-mustang…" Ed stammered in complete and utter terror.

"Ed, who's this crazy chicka?" Roy asked.

"That's Winry, a crazy fan-girl who wants me for herself…" Edward shuddered as he said this.

"EW! THAT IS SO WRONG! EDWARD, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY UNSOILED DOVE! AND THEN YOU GO OFF WITH THIS CRAZY BASTARD!"

Roy stood up, a blanket that was covering the two alchemists fell to the ground.

"Ooo…" Ed said staring.

"Listen up you crazy bitch." Roy said, putting on his white gloves.

"Leave my lover alone!" With that he pulled the short alchemist up and kissed him on the lips. Then, he snapped his fingers, and in a sheet of flame, the gyser evaporated.

"AH! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! AND DON'T TRY TO GET WITH MY SEXY BOY!" Winry said.

Hovering in the air for a couple of seconds, she looked down.

"Oh shit." She said, and fell into the ocean.

But she quickly poked her head out of the water, and still extremely upset, she chanted a spell.

Suddenly, Ed was shrouded in a sheath of sparkles.

After about a few seconds, he had a mermaid tail again, but half was auto-mail.

"No! Edward!" Roy said, reaching for him. But suddenly he had a tail two!

"Now, here's what I'll do. I'm marrying Ed today, and kidnapping you. GOT IT? It's foolproof, because I'm having Al be the bodyguard. Now come on hot stuff…" Winry said, and kissed Edward.

Roy & Ed stress mark "AHH! IT BURNS!" Edward screamed, as they descended into the ocean.

Wirny was being fitted with a wedding dress.

"You look very…beautiful miss Wirny." A maid said hesitantly.

"THAT'S MRS. ELRIC to you from now on!" Winry said, and sighed blissfully.

"This is the best day of my life…" she said

"This is the WORST day of my life…" Edward was in a room putting on a tuxedo. His worst nightmare had come true. Well, second worst. His worse nightmare was that pink bunnies took over the world and made pole dancing illegal.

Ed shudder "ugh…bunnies…" he said.

"But that's the least of my problems…sigh…I wonder how my sweet Roy is doing."

Inside a solitary room, Roy was in a cage being guarded by Al.

"God Damn it you stupid walking toaster! I don't know what's inside of you, but whatever it is, your gonna let me out!" Roy said, snapping his fingers even though he knew it wouldn't work.

"I'm sorry! Winry commanded me to watch you, and if I did something against her…"

Al sweat drop

"Wait, are you Ed's brother?" Roy asked, knowing that strange questions was the only thing he could do (and think of) to help him now.

"Yes! He is my brother. How did you know?"

Suddenly Roy thought of an idea. Guilt trip.

"Well, you know Ed apparently doesn't love Wirny. Your letting him throw his life away because you're afraid! What kind of brother are you…" Roy shook his head in displeasure.

Al thought for a second. "He's right. He's my brother, and how can I do this to him? Oh crap…(un-al like) he's using the guilt trip! No fair!"

Finally, Al caved in and said, "Ok! I'll let you out. Hold on, let me get the key…"

Al then took off his head and stuck his hand in the hole where his head used to be, searching for the keys in his empty hulk.

Roy fell backwards in shock.

"How the hell are you doing that? There's no one inside of there! And you TOOK OFF YOUR HEAD!"

Al ignored the shocked Roy and pulled out a small key.

"Well, actually, there IS a story behind that, but since were already in one, it would take to long to tell a story within a story."

"Okay then…" Roy said, not understanding a word he just said.

Al finally turned the key in the lock and the door swung open.

"I'm free! Now I have to save Ed!" Roy said, and was just about to swim to the rescue when Al stopped him.

"You might want to put some clothing on…" Al said, handing him a tuxedo.

Roy looked down and blushed, remembering he was still naked. He grabbed the tux and changed quickly.

"Thanks again." He called, and raced out, following signs that said:

TO WINRY AND EDWARD'S WEDDING.

Edward and Wirny were standing together in front of the priest…Pride!

"And do you, Edward Elric, take Winry to be your wife?"

Ed paused for a second and said, "Well…" but Winry hit him over the head with a wrench and, almost crying said, "…yes"

"If anyone has a reason why these two should not be married, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

Suddenly, Roy came bursting through the door and shouted,

"YES! BECAUSE ED REALLY LOVES ME, ROY MUSTANG!"

Ed's face brightened up and he shouted, "ROY! You've come to rescue me!"

Ed ran toward Roy, and they kissed each other.

A gasp arose from the crowd, but then applause.

"Well, looks like we are having a wedding after all!" Pride said.

"Make that two weddings!" Al, with his normal body, came in holding hands with…ENVY!"

Everyone sweat drop "How did you get your body back Al?" Edward asked.

"Envy gave me back my body. She's so sweet…" and with that Al and Envy kissed. (Me:…EW! Hehe…funny though…')

And so, Roy and Edward were married, and so were Alphonse and Envy.

"Ok, this family is WEIRD and SICK! I'm leaving!" Winry had been sulking in the corner at the post-wedding party and had left for good.

AND THEY ALL LIVED…UM…HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

The End

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377: WOOHOO! My first story complete! I hope you all liked it! PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks to my reviewers for their everlasting support. PILLZ FOR ALL!

Melissa: So? What did you think of my parody?

Ed:…um…why did Al marry ENVY! ENVY OF ALL PEOPLE!

Envy: HEY! I'm as attractive as anyone! Besides, I'm a pretty girl…

Me & Ed: oo'


	6. BONUS STORY!

BONUS STORY:

What Lust was doing while this all happened AKA Lust's Boob job issues 

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377: This is pretty much what Lust and Gluttony did after they left Envy the Sea Bitches Lair. ENJOY!

TRUST THE PILLZ!

Lust swam out of Envy the sea bitches cave, nauseous at seeing Edward's dance.

"Lust? Where are we going now?" Gluttony asked dumbly.

**Lust sigh **"I told you, you're coming with me to get another boob job." Lust said, poking at her breasts.

"BUT LUST! THIS IS THE EIGHT ONE THIS WEEK! I think your MARVELOUS just the way you-HEY! A COOKIE!"

Suddenly Gluttony's attention was draw to a cookie being carried by a stingray.

Gluttony licked his lips, and with one massive gulp, ate the entire stingray.

"OW! IT STINGS!" (Me: no pun intended…--') Gluttony screamed, clutching his mouth.

Lust sweat drop "Just follow me idiot. We're almost to the clinic." 

Lust and Gluttony approached a building that said: BIGGER BREASTS FOR THE MIDDLE AGED MER-WOMAN!

They entered the clinic and went up to the receptionist, Hinako!

"And how may I…oh, not you again!" Hinako said when she saw it was Lust.

"Yes, I would like a breast job done please." She said, almost demandingly.

"Look, Ms. Lust, We can't give you anymore boob jobs! You've had eight this week, forty-seven this month! Your boobs can't take anymore!"

Lust was upset now. She NEEDED bigger boobs. NEEDED THEM. She screamed,

"Listen grandma, I demand you let me past, or there will be hell to pay…"

And with that she made her nails long and sharp as swords, and gluttony's mouth began to water.

**Hinako sweat drop **"Okay! Okay! The doctor will see you…"

Lust smiled sweetly and said, "Thank you. Come on Gluttony, I'll let you eat someone later."

Gluttony looked disappointed. "Aww, come on my Lust! Just one…"

Lust hit Gluttony in the back of the head. "No Gluttony. Come on."

They both then went into the surgery room in the back to see the doctor, Dr. Sloth!

"Hello Doctor. I'm here for a breast job, as usual.

Sloth turned around a gasped.

**Sloth stress mark **"OH NO! NOT YOU AGAIN! You've been wearing me out Lust! Can't you be confident with your breasts now?"

**Lust vein popped **"No. I NEED then BIGGER! Isn't it YOUR job to give me what I want? Well, what I want are BIGGER BOOBS!"

"Lust, can I eat her now? PLEASE?" Gluttony said, a waterfall of drool spewing from his mouth.

"No Gluttony. I need her. Now leave us so we can operate."

**Sloth stress mark **"Excuse me? I never agreed-" But Sloth was cut-off because Lust extended her razor-sharp nails right in front of her face.

"Fine! Fine! Just put those away and lets get started."

"Good." Lust said approvingly, as she got undressed and lay on the operating table.

"Now this might take a while, so you can just close your eyes and go to sleep."

Lust did as the doctor told, and dreamt about her with bigger breasts getting married to…Gluttony!"

"Lust? LUST!"

Lust awoke the sound of Gluttony's voice.

"Gluttony?" Lust said.

" OH MY SWEET LUST! YOU LOOK SIMPLY-Hey! Another cookie!"

Sloth had just entered the room, munching on a chocolate-chip cookie.

"MINE!" Gluttony screamed, lunging at Sloth and taking her cookie.

**Lust sweat drop "**Right…" She said, and sat up. But it was hard to sit up because something seemed to be weighing her down. She looked down and saw her breasts were the size of two large beach balls!

"YES! My dream has come true!" Lust said happily.

**Sloth groan **"That's what she said two days ago." Sloth said, recovered from her Gluttony attack.

Suddenly outside where screams, followed by a large "gulp" Gluttony reentered the room looking quite pleased.

"Gluttony! I told you before not to eat anyone yet!" Lust said, trying to stand up but falling over from the massive weight of her new breasts.

" I'm sorry Lust! They just looked so good…" Gluttony said, still licking his lips at the memory.

"Well, let's go then." Lust said, straining to walk with her king-kong sized boobs.

"Um, HELLO? Where's my pay?" Sloth said angrily.

"Gluttony," Lust said.

Gluttony then showed Sloth his very large tongue and said,

"She looks delicious…"

**Sloth sweat drop **"Um, what I meant to say was have a nice day!" Sloth said hastily, not wanting to become a snack.

"Good. Come now Gluttony, lets go home."

"LUST! I'M COMING!" Gluttony screamed, lunging for Lust.

And that's what Lust did. All in a days work.

THE END

PLLLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist: Yeah, I didn't know how to end it. Hope you enjoyed!


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